In the Service of Others: I am Free to be Me

My daughter, Ashley-Taylor (A.T.) recently spent some time in Washington D.C. She went to DC to attend a conference for select college students who volunteer their time to advocate for mental health awareness. She is passionate about de-stigmatizing mental illness. After her trip, she said that DC “felt like home”. A.T. was born in Illinois, as a toddler she lived in the Middle East but the majority of her life has been in Alabama. I wondered if it was the charm of the city, or bustle of the “big city”, but she now lives in Birmingham. And, Birmingham is a bustling city with some very charming areas such as Highlands and Five Points. So, why then did she have a connection to DC?

Gandhi said, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” What my daughter was doing in DC was finding herself in the service of others. She spent her trip with other people, who just like her, were giving their time to a cause for others. As I thought more about her statement, I realized that I too have “found myself”.

For the past 9 years, I have been inwardly focused. I attended law school – which was all about me getting through successfully without filing bankruptcy due to law school debt. My husband took care of everything including our two children, while I was working during the day and attending classes at night. I then spent the next 6 years building a law practice. Building a law practice was not only about my clients but about me as well. Although the practice of law is a profession, it’s also a business. I was constantly scared. I was afraid to fail both professionally and financially, afraid to be successful for fear I couldn’t keep up with business, and, I feared I wasn’t good enough for my clients. The result of these worries was that I had lost sight of what I needed for myself. I needed time for my marriage, my children and myself. There were very high highs and desperately low lows. I dedicated my life to my practice and it was to the point, I was losing touch with my family, friends and myself.

About 5 months ago, I changed my path. I accepted a position with the District Attorney’s office. I am now a prosecutor in the sexual assault and family violence unit. It all happened so fast…that quite honestly, when I stop and think about it, I am still in a bit of shock. I made the big and somewhat snap decision to stop doing what I knew and dive into the unknown. I knew the Assistant District Attorneys that I would be working with; however, my relationship with most of them was adversarial. Even though there were a few with whom I believed I had a personal connection with, their real work was foreign to me. When I was approached about the job, I was told I would be working in a unit with attorneys Jason Scully-Clemmons and Tim Gann. I had had cases with both of these men, but I didn’t know them personally. I knew Jason was highly educated, and his credentials are quite impressive: New York University for law school, a MPA from American University and a BS from Georgetown University. I knew Tim Gann a little better as he had been the prosecutor for a short time in the juvenile delinquency unit and at that time, I had a heavy juvenile caseload. I knew that Tim was a former police officer, and I knew he had worked full-time while commuting 4 hours a day to attend law school in the evenings. I knew him to be personable and fair. Both men were small town boys who through dedication and hard work made good. I had had enough contact with each of them, that I knew them to be very ethical and respectful – and they always returned my calls to their office when we had cases together (that is a biggie). Jason and Tim are also highly respected by the members of the defense bar. However, what won me over – and made me a fan of each of them – way before I was extended an invitation to join the office – was their professionalism and common sense approach to their cases.

So, I did say “yes.” “Yes” to the opportunity to work and learn from them. However, what I didn’t realize was, I was saying “yes” to working with a team comprised of investigators, a legal assistant, a victim’s advocate, and social workers. People I had never met but that I would be working with in close quarters every single day!

I now know that I really said “yes” to working with people who are committed to the service others. And, guess what? After 5 months in my new position of serving as an assistant district attorney, I have found myself. Gandhi was indeed right.

Since the day I started, life has been very different. Not only do I not dread going to work, I look forward to it. Despite the terrible cases I review on a daily basis, which are only sex crimes and family violence, I am able to manage the subject matter, because I work with an incredible team of individuals who are dedicated to serving the citizens of Madison County.

Don’t misunderstand, we aren’t always a big happy family, as there are many times the “team” is not in agreement. Nevertheless, we all share a common goal and our disagreements are simply opportunities to learn from each other, making us all better in our respective positions.

My new job feels like home. It is really my home away from home. My real home is now in balance. I come home in a better mood as I am not worried about my business. I am able to leave work at work due to the support of my co-workers. My new job allows me be home for dinner, and get to bed at a decent hour. I am able to spend real time with my family as before my family time consisted of saying “good night”. There’s no competition for clients thus no worries about keeping afloat financially. There’s no fear that I can’t do my best, as my fellow prosecutors, Tim and Jason won’t let me fail.

I have honestly found myself in the service of others. Just like my daughter, I am in a group of people who give their time for others. I believe that my new employment has allowed me to shift my focus from me to others. I have let go of much of my ego because this job is not about me. Gandhi was right; I have found myself. Now, granted I am not volunteering my time; however, I am no longer haunted by earning more money so I can keep my practice as the cost of doing business is always on the rise, nor am I preoccupied with furthering myself as individual lawyer as I have lost the individual competitiveness inherent in the legal profession.

I hopeful that my message in this writing doesn’t come across as preachy or one that reads as if this is all too good to be real. So, to those who doubt my personal revelation, I say this: there are days when I feel defeated, frustrated, afraid and sickened. The defeat comes when I believe a crime has truly been committed but I can’t prove it. The frustration kicks in when I’ve had to ask Tim or Jason no less than a thousand questions before lunch. And, I am many times afraid that I will screw up in court or worse, in trial, and that my screw up will affect my case. As to my daily sickness, it doesn’t stem from any physical activity but from the emotional strain of my daily work on cases that always include either a child or adult victim. These cases are very difficult handle; in fact, many attorneys won’t/can’t work on these types of crimes.

Despite that the nature of these cases should be extremely depressing, I am not depressed by my work. The only explanation as to why I am not suffering is that I have the privilege to work with a group of individuals who are strong in their resolve to serve others; and, in this unit “others” include each other. The people I work with are always willing to help on a case even if they aren’t even officially involved; they are available for feedback, and each will listen in the event there’s a need to vent.

Every day, I am thankful that I made the crazy decision to shut down a thriving law practice. I am thankful for Melissa, Chad, Tim, Cindy, Jada, Barbara, Corey, Kristin, and Tikki for being patient, kind and understanding, as they form the rest of the team and have had to withstand the new girl. I am most thankful to Jason and Tim for being the men I believed them to be, for without them, I would not have found the person I need to be…me.

Have You Made A Positive Impact?

Recently, I underwent unavoidable and unexpected back surgery.  In less than 12 hours, I went from sitting in my office to sitting in the emergency room.  I was admitted in the evening, and by the next morning, my whole world was upside down.

I called my wonderful assistant and she created a plan to take care of my clients.  All went well, thanks to some very generous and caring friends.  A judicial assistant took her time to alert specific court offices.  One lawyer friend came to my office for the day and assisted clients.  On many other days, that same friend attended my scheduled court appearances.  A couple of other friends didn’t hesitate to assist with covering cases.  One lawyer saw my name on a docket, called my assistant and covered that case for me.   A Judge allowed me to attend a status hearing via conference call.  During my recovery, I’ve had good and bad days.  On a bad day, a simple Facebook message was all it took, for yet another friend to willingly handle a court hearing.

I was humbled and frankly surprised at how generous these folks were.  Not that I didn’t think I had good friends, but I was and continue to be genuinely amazed at how willing so many were to interrupt their schedules for me.

I relayed this story to someone today and her response made me stop and think.  She said you must have made an impact in these people’s lives for them to be so generous.  And, here I just thought I had really nice people in my life and, I do – and they are.  Yet, I believe something more was in play.  These folks could have taken a more passive approach to helping me.  They could have said, “I can’t make that court appearance, but I’ll be in the courthouse tomorrow – what can I do then?”  No, these folks went out of their way, interrupted their schedules, and helped.

A while back, I represented a client who met with me a couple of times in my office on a minor criminal charge.  He would always bring his girlfriend and their child.  Their little boy was 2 years old and he was the most well-behaved toddler I have ever met.  Living paycheck to paycheck, this couple struggles every day to survive.  Yet, they never once complained about their circumstances to me.  He worked construction when jobs were available, and she worked the only job she could find which was only part-time.  She had dreams of going back to school.  They were the nicest couple, and their young family was perfect.  I teased them a couple of times about getting married.  I encouraged the both of them to stay clean and out of trouble – as I do with every client!  My client ultimately accepted responsibility for his charge.  After I finished representation of him, he and his girlfriend called to thank me for my help.  A year later, the girlfriend called my office needing assistance in a family court matter.  I agreed to see them and waive my consultation fee.  When they arrived, they brought clean drug screens, a new baby, reports of a better job, and the girlfriend was attending night classes.  I was inspired by their resourcefulness, and honored that they actually brought me reports of clean drug screens! (not that these client’s had a drug problem – like I mentioned before, I tell all my clients to stay clean.)  Silly, I know but really, who brings drug screens to their appointments?  These folks made a huge impact on me.  They remembered every word I said to them, and actually heard what I wanted for them.  I wanted to help them, again.  I wanted them to be rewarded in some way for all their progress.  Not, that I am such a prize, but I knew that I could get a good outcome on the family court matter, and I wanted that to be the prize.

Ultimately, we were successful in court.  My clients were grateful for the assistance and thanked me profusely.  I thanked them as well.  I realized by their puzzled faces that I needed to tell them why I was thanking them.  I simply said, “for allowing me to help you.”

All this to say, I don’t know whether I have actually made an “impact” on the lives of my friends.  But, I do know what it’s like to have to someone make an impact on my life.  My friends make an impact on my life every day by unselfishly giving their time to me.  And, that couple, well, they made an impact on me by being so gracious in the face of poverty.  For showing me that happiness doesn’t equate to a paycheck; that well-mannered children don’t have to go to the best daycare; and, that loving couples don’t need to be married.

Impacting another’s life for good isn’t something I think people set out to do; however, I do think it’s purposeful.  I believe you can practice it for yourself, teach it to your children, and set an example for others.  I intend to practice impacting lives for good.  I intend to be there when my friends need me – no matter my schedule, and I intend to continue to learn from my clients.  And, the next time I gripe about my circumstances, I intend to be grateful because that’s how you make an impact.

If the Buddha Practiced Law

In a controversy, the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves. – Buddha

I found this quote while randomly surfing the internet.  At first glance, I realized how well it applied to my personal life and to my practice of law.  I thought about times when my husband and I have been in disagreement.  At the point I became angry, I had really become selfish.  I was focusing on myself instead of our relationship.  I can also apply the statement to my own lawyering skills.  There are times when I do become angry about my cases.  Now, thinking back and remembering the details, I realize that my anger usually stemmed from the lack of control over a situation; and I can admit that lack of control has more to do with me, than the case itself.  I think what this statement truly means is when you put yourself first; anger creeps in, clouding the issues.  However, I believe there are times when putting yourself first, and allowing anger in is a good thing.  If the Buddha were a divorce lawyer, I think he would have put a disclaimer on his statement, and here’s why.

More often than not, I meet with clients who are hesitant about putting themselves first.  They are usually women seeking advice about divorce.  (Sometimes this is true of men, but men seem to get angry faster).  Most of these women have been the caretakers during the marriage.  They are so accustomed to taking care of their husbands and family, that they feel guilt and sadness about contemplating divorce.  Moreover, these women are usually victims of physical or emotional abuse perpetrated by their husbands.  The most common victimization occurs when the husband has committed adultery.

When considering divorce, people need to set aside guilt and sadness.  Divorce is much like a death.  Grieving over the loss of a loved one generally occurs in five stages.  The first stage is shock and denial, the second stage is pain and guilt, and the third stage is anger.  The final two stages define a “recovery” process.

I need my clients to be stage three clients; I want them to be angry.  Now, I do not want vindictive or spiteful clients and I realize that’s a fine line; still, I need clients who are angry enough to put themselves first.  Clients who have too much guilt or sadness have difficulty making decisions.  They also tend to struggle with trying to protect themselves during the divorce process.  I know they aren’t angry enough when I hear things like, “he won’t like it if I ask him to split the visa bill”, or “that’s okay, I’ll just let him keep the $15K in the home equity”.  Now, there are times when I tell clients to cut their losses and run, which is very different from just rolling over because you don’t want to hurt their feelings!

If you are seeking a divorce, my advice to you would be to forget the otherwise profound wisdom of the Buddha, and get angry.  It’s justified, it’s healthy and it’s helpful.  It will motivate you to put yourself first, your children first, and it will most likely speed up your emotional healing…as you will be at stage 3, more than half way to full recovery!

Keeping on Track

All legal matters take a path to resolution.  Resolution is the result of a judicial order, jury decision or a settlement between the parties.  Many times on the road to resolution, a power struggle between client and lawyer ensues.  When a client is confused about the process, or if the client is particularly angry or bitter, the lawyer often times encounters a client who truly and honestly believes that they know best. 

In my practice, I often refer to my cases as trains.  Trains move along tracks, the tracks are boundaries and those same tracks guide the train to station or resolution.  Of course, I don’t want my train to get off track nor do I want a train wreck.  My job, as the conductor is to get that train to the station safely.  I use the analogy of trains to explain to my clients that there are several ways to get to the end of their case.  You can choose the track to trial or the track to settlement, both of which lead to resolution.  I like to travel down both paths.  I believe that the best use of my time, and the client’s money and time is to know two routes to the station:  the trial route and the settlement route.

When clients are confused about the process or if their emotions are extremely strong, it is very difficult for the client to allow their lawyer to lead in the process.  This is not to say that the client doesn’t have a say in how the case should proceed, in fact, it’s quite the opposite in my office.  I do want to know what the client wants.  I do want to know to what lengths the client wants to go to get to an amicable or fair resolution of their matter.  However, when it comes to getting to that end, I get to drive the train.

There is a phrase often heard in the courtroom, although I find it a bit offensive, I do believe there is some value in it.  It usually goes something like this:  You need to get your client under control, or your client is out of control.  I think it is the tone in which it is usually said that I have a problem with, but I do understand the meaning.  When a client is very unreasonable or so out of touch, one usually hears “you need to get your client under control”.  I believe it is more of a comment about the quality of the lawyer than judgment of the client.  Good lawyers prepare their clients by educating them on the law in relation to their desires and demands.  Good lawyers have the ability to keep their clients calm during difficult proceedings.  (There are always those exceptions for exceptional clients!)

Back to my train analogy….

When the lawyer doesn’t take on the role of the conductor at the start of the attorney-client relationship, control is lost and the train will run off the track or worse, crash before ever reaching the station.  In my practice, I let every client know I will be preparing for settlement whether it’s an option in the beginning or not.  Then, I let them know that I have a tandem track which leads to trial.  By preparing for both routes, I am never caught by surprise and more importantly, neither is the client.

Additionally, as the conductor, I educate my clients on what the state of the law is, and how it applies to their case.  Then, as a team, we discuss all reasonable resolution possibilities.  We discuss how the law applies to their facts and what needs to happen to achieve the desired results.  These discussions take place during the course of my representation, and most likely define and refine my client’s goals as circumstances change.  As we approach the station, I seek to prepare my client for court.  Most of the time, the client will have appear in court.  There are those rare instances, such as uncontested divorces, where clients never step foot in the courthouse.  Nevertheless, even in cases where a settlement is reached, the client may still have to appear to put it “on the record”.  These cases include plea agreements or agreements reached day of trial.  I walk my client through what questions may be asked by the Court, what their demeanor should be, how to speak to the court, and even what to wear. 

By preparing my clients through education of the law, the legal process, and court procedures, clients are able to let go of the wheel, allowing me, the conductor/lawyer to safely guide their matter to resolution. 

*Believe it or not, putting salt on a railroad track in Alabama was once punishable by death.

Deontological Ethics: What??

 

Deontological Ethics:  What??

 Deontological ethics plays a huge role determining my actions, in life and in the court.  (Of course, the Alabama Bar’s opinions on Ethical Conduct are also major factors in my decision making process.)

Deontological ethics or more commonly known as deontology is derived from the Greek words, obligation, duty.  It is a type of ethics that deduces if an action is moral based on the action’s adherence to a rule or duty.  Deontology can be contrasted with Consequialist ethical theories. Consequentialism is basically the belief that the rightness of action is determined by its consequences.  These two theories boil down to this:  Did you do the right thing because it was the right thing to do (deontological)?  Or did you do the right thing because the outcome was good (consequialist)?

Immanuel Kant argued that the good thing will be determined by the good will of the person or the motive of that person. So, if a person decides to lie then it is wrong; never mind that some good may have come from it. In contrast, W.D.Ross argues that if the consequences of, say lying, turns out good that would make lying the right thing to do.

This seems like a difference without a distinction, but it’s not.  We should never lie, not as people, not as clients and not as attorneys.  So, I guess I’m a deontological.  But then again, I did just tell someone I liked their painting (my office is next to an Art Gallery) and it wasn’t true.  It was a hideous painting, one that I would never hang on a wall – not even the garage.

So, my lie – or what is more affectionately referred to as a “white lie” – had good consequences, as the proud owner of that art smiled.  Wait, because he called it art – was that a lie?…Nevermind, this could go on and on.  The truth is I lied.

But to really get to the point of all this, as an attorney, I have a job to do.  My job is to be honest with my clients despite the outcome. My honesty with the court is my job.  My actions should be of pure motive.  I never intend to be hurtful nor do I ever intend to cause harm.  However, I am a firm believer in a little harm is better than a lot.  By that I mean, I’d rather shoot it straight – watch my client squirm but know my infliction of short lived pain will save them chronic pain down the road.

I have an obligation to myself, to my clients and to the Court to be honest.  I strive to fulfill that obligation daily.  However, I find that my actions produce results which bring me harm.  People get mad at me, they think I’m stirring.  Attorneys, lawyers, sharks – whatever people call us, took an oath to protect the Constitution which brings with it a duty to zealously represent my clients.  And, if the other side doesn’t like it…then they can’t handle the truth.  I have been on the other side at times too!  Don’t get me wrong.

Going back to the ethics debate above, I think one could find a balance between the two schools of thought: white lie = good – nobody gets hurt, thus the motive is pure.  Bad lie which produces a desirable result in Court or in a settlement = not good.  What about evasiveness?  That’s for another time. 

My husband recently presented me with a plaque:  Lawyer on Duty…the truth nothing but the truth cleverly delivered.  I wonder under what theory that little gem travels?!

Childhood Truths Translated

I began my practice of law well after my children were able to care for themselves.  Although my children are now what I consider grown, I am realizing that I can still put to good use the advice I gave them (in some instances, they gave me) in my law practice.  Not that I treat my clients as children, but rather these simple words of wisdom can be adapted to any area in life; however, I am finding they are particularly useful in the legal realm. What follows are 10 truths, my children have heard, and now, my clients are hearing. 

 1. Hang on tight.  Always be prepared for a bumpy ride.  It won’t always be that way, there will be good and bad periods during your case, but be prepared and hang on tight.

 2. Ask why until you understand.  Always ask me questions, if you are confused or you believe I am confused.  We need to stay on the same page at all times. 

 3. If your room is messy, close the door.  If you mess up, keep it private.  Don’t text it, facebook it, tweet it, or email it!  My daughter, now home from college, still adheres to this philosophy – literally.

 4. It doesn’t matter who started it.  It matters more about how it is handled and who finishes it.

 5. Ask for whipped cream. Pay attention to details.  Details pay dividends, especially when it comes to settlements.  My son never fails to top of his favorite dessert with whipped cream, a detail he claims that makes a difference.

 6. If you want cow, ask for a herd.  There is a back story here.  My son wanted cow for his birthday, and he asked for cows. He was relentless in his requests.  He got “cow” everything.  He even got a visit from a cow.  (My father wore a cow costume at his party!)  If you want it, ask for it.  But if you really want it, ask for everything.

 7. Next week comes tomorrow.  Hearing day always comes before you feel fully ready.  All along the way, you should be preparing for the big day, even if you believe you are going to settle your case.  That’s right, even if you think everything is all worked out, you should be prepared to try your case. When you case is called, your time is up!

 8. You can’t start over just because you’re losing the game.  If the facts and the law are not on your side, you can’t ask for do-overs nor do you call it quits.  You still may have the ability to minimize the damages.  You may lose, but you may be able to control how badly you get beaten.  Starting over was a popular strategy of my son when he was young.  Anytime he wasn’t able to take Rainbow Trail or Gumdrop Pass, he wanted to start Candyland all over again.  

 9. Keep going door to door until someone opens the door.  Don’t give up, be persistent.  Whether that applies to calling your lawyer, fighting for your child, or defending your constitutional rights:  do not give up, ever!  You have permission to compromise, or consider different alternatives but don’t just give up.  My son followed this pearl of wisdom when he participated in school fundraisers.  He was a two-time champ for the most items sold.

 10.  You are just as special as the next person. Sadly and rarely, is your case unique.  Sure, every case is different, but the applicable law is generally the same. It’s how the facts fit into the law that will make the difference.  Clients sometimes believe they are alone in what they are facing or what they have experienced.  Knowing they are not “special” is actually helpful, if these same clients are in need of help.  My office is able to give resource information to obtain counseling for domestic violence, drug treatment, job training, mental health therapy and financial assistance.  If  you need these resources, find them – it will help you to cope with what is happening legally and it could be beneficial to your case.  (See advice # 2.)

Some of these “words of advice” may lead you to think that child services must have been called to my home, but let me say this: I have always been honest with my children and my clients.  Truthfulness works both ways in my house and in my office.

By the way, neither of my children is in therapy – yet.  The advice in numbers 2 & 3 came from my daughter. She gave it to my husband and me at a very early age, and we have followed it to this very day.  She is still inquisitive and remains a private person.  The advice in numbers 5 & 6 comes from my son.  Both of these gems follow the same logic and reflect his “dream big” personality and his enjoyment of life in general.

Settlement Agreements: Addressing “What If”

Generally, every client has a unique set of facts and circumstances.  Although ultimate goals and expectations can be somewhat similar, because each person is different, my advice is never the same…until recently.  Over the course of the past two weeks, I have addressed the same issue twice:  a vague divorce settlement agreement. 

When people divorce they can go one of two routes:  Contested or Uncontested.  Contested, means that the parties can’t agree and they need a  Judge to determine the rights and responsibilities of the parties.  When a couple, despite their inherent conflicts, can agree on the division of property, both real and personal, other assets and liabilities, and if applicable, they even agree on the custody of their children then the uncontested path is chosen.  This is of course is a preferable way to settle the divorce, because each party has a say and legal fees are kept to minimum.  A “Settlement Agreement” is crafted and signed by each party.  That agreement is then incorporated into the ultimate decree issued by the Court.

However, if the agreement is vague or incomplete; problems arise and this could force the parties back to court.  That is what has happened to two of my most recent clients.  In both cases, the original agreement looked perfect, covering what seemed like everything…property division, waivers of certain claims, and custody and support of their children.  The problem?  Both agreements failed to set forth provisions which I call the – “what if” provisions.

For example, if the parties are dividing their home and one party is to refinance or sell the home, what if the refinance doesn’t occur or the home doesn’t sell?  Specific provisions must set forth a remedy in the event one party is completely incapable of adhering to the terms and conditions of the agreement.  I call it avoiding the “do-loop”. A do-loop is a term used in a computer program called Basic.  A programmer uses a do-loop when he wants something to happen, an infinite amount of times.  Thus if there is a do-loop embedded in an agreement, there is no end or cut off.  For example, if your ex is to refinance the home, and she can’t, there needs to be a provision to propel the parties forward into another option, like selling the home or placing it in a public auction.  Without this provision, the parties are stuck in a do-loop without an exit plan.

Both clients stated to me, that they asked their previous lawyer what would happen if their soon-to-be former spouse was unable to refinance or sell.  Each lawyer gave them an answer which seemed to satisfy the client.  But now they are with me, asking the same questions.  And, because the agreement didn’t specifically address that “what if”, we are heading back to Court.

Long story short, if you have requested your lawyer draw up or review a Settlement Agreement and before you sign – you ask what happens if…then it’s vague and needs revision.  Despite counsel’s attempts to create a thorough and clear agreement, some of the provisions didn’t go far enough.  Certainly, lawyers do their best to account for all situations, as it’s just not possible see into the future and predict every single circumstance that could go wrong.  But, if the client must ask “what if” then I believe lawyers need to address that particular situation in the agreement.

Agreements must be clear and in no way, ambiguous or vague.  Sadly, each client told me that what they thought should happen, but, in reality, what will happen is up to a Court; unless, both sides can agree…again.

Do You Need a Court Order with that Birth Certificate?

Every day with every client I encounter a new story, a new set of facts, and a new set of problems.  But there are those days, where frustration sets in and I try very hard to restrain myself from saying, “What the hell were you thinking?!”  To keep this post totally honest, I don’t succeed in the restraint part, and I’ve blurted it out – “What the hell were you thinking?!”

Custody matters are always difficult.  I am a mother and a certified guardian ad litem for the courts and there are times when I worry about the children who are in the middle of their parents’ nasty divorce action.  The parent/client doesn’t hesitate to bash their soon to be ex-spouse in front of me and their children.  It’s generally more common when the children are in their teens, but I’m sure even the little ones hear it too.  It saddens me and I end up chastising my clients for their thoughtless comments.  I explain to them that not only do the comments serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever, but they are painful for their children to hear.

In Madison County, there is a standing order attached to all divorce cases when children are involved.  The order, which is referred to as the “Standard Parenting Clauses” addresses the behavior of the parents, and specifically prohibits maligning the other parent in front of the child(ren).  It’s amazing to me that there has to be an order in place that actually has to address this issue.  It would probably be more beneficial if that order were issued along with the birth certificate, because I would imagine the problem starts long before the divorce is filed.

I know my clients don’t care for their spouse, hence the divorce; but apparently, the spouse was at one time, good enough to marry, sleep with, and produce at least one child with.  So, for the sake of your children, don’t perpetuate the hate, the nastiness, and the bitterness. 

If you can’t keep your mouth shut around your children, perhaps you are not the best custodian for them.  Perhaps, you should rethink your own parenting skills, before asking the Court grant you the privilege of being their sole primary custodian.  I do understand that couples break up for horrific reasons, and I do understand that the spouse can be a sleazy so-and-so, but that is not the fault of your child.  And, in the end, the child is the most important asset to be divided in the divorce.  If you want to further that “divide” continue with the comments while being their primary custodian; however, be prepared because your child will see you as the primary problem.

I found the following Top Ten things you should never say about the other parent in front of your child, and believe it or not – I’ve heard 9 of the 10.  But there’s always tomorrow – new day, new client and new set facts and problems.

All good advice, courtesy of Divorcemagazine.com:

10. I wish your mother (father) would drop dead.
9. I never loved your father (mother) anyway.
8. One of these days, so help me, I’m going to kill her (him).
7. I’m sorry I did such a horrible job picking your father (mother).
6. So where’d he (she) get the bimbo (bozo)?
5. Thank God you don’t look like her (him).
4. He (she) was really bad in bed.
3. Oh, he (she) never loved you kids anyway.
2. She (he) is fat and ugly and really stupid.
1. He (she) does not pay me nearly enough child support.

Sleepless Nights: Curse or Cure?

In the past two months, my office has been deluged with clients who are experiencing difficulties which some may consider as controversial.  The more I encounter these types of issues, the more I find what I thought I believed, supported, or had an opinion about, changes with the presentation of my client’s set of circumstances.  So before I continue on with this rambling post, I would like to thank these clients for allowing me to grow and learn through our relationship.

But as these same clients challenge me, they also leave me facing a sleepless night.  Everyone has skeletons – things that we don’t want others to know about ourselves.  Sometimes we can handle those issues privately, but there are times when legal advice is not only needed but absolutely necessary, and thus, these sensitive topics must become public.  By public, I mean these clients must come to an absolute stranger, me, and discuss issues that are uncomfortable and almost always embarrassing.

Back to the clients and my battle with insomnia:  I have been told repeatedly by a fellow attorney that I shouldn’t take my client’s issues personally, but that’s easier said than done.  When people come to me for help and advice on these issues, I am humbled by their trust, but am always surprised when they ask me to “judge” them.  I can’t tell you how many clients here recently have asked me my personal opinion on their situation.  I get questions like, “Do you think I am a bad person?”  or “Do you think I am wrong for coming to you?”  I don’t kid myself by thinking “wow they came to me.”  But rather, I tell myself they came to me and they need someone so why not me.

Here’s the deal – I am the last one to pass judgment.  I strive to be the one who passes solid legal advice, openly and honestly.  The sleepless nights come when I begin to worry that these folks somehow believe that they are wrong for exercising their legal rights;  rights given to them fully and freely by the United State Constitution, the Alabama Constitution and by the sole, but most important fact, they are people.

I worry about the little ones, the people who are without resources to fight to the finish – perhaps against an abuser who hires a “big gun” or “heavy hitter”.  Sadly, resources – code for money – sometimes wins.  Not always – but sometimes.  It’s the “sometimes” that keeps me awake until the wee hours of the night.  I worry that these people seeking an affirmation will give up the fight, if they mistakenly believe they don’t deserve to exercise their rights on these sensitive subjects, or that the other side who has a bigger purse will just win anyway.  (Said many times by clients).

I won’t recommend action through the filing of unnecessary lawsuits or drafting meaningless agreements, if it isn’t going to solve the problem.  But I will never recommend inaction to protect a right – ever.

So, no, you are not a bad person, nor are you wrong to come to me for advice.  In fact, I admire you, because it takes a lot of guts to spill them.  You have finally put trust into someone else. That’s a huge step and a responsibility that I don’t take lightly. 

Now about those sleepless nights…I believe when they stop, so does my passion and creativity.  So, I am choosing to sleep later…maybe tomorrow night, or the night after.  But I promise I will get some sleep before we go to battle!

“Everyone has a right to peaceful coexistence, the basic personal freedoms, the alleviation of suffering, and the opportunity to lead a productive life…”– Jimmy Carter

To Do List

My days start with a check of my calendar. I make sure that my files are ready to go with me to court, my research is complete and ready for any consultations, and my list of calls to return is intact. However, despite my best efforts to keep my day on track, I am usually derailed. It could be a call from a Judge needing a lawyer for someone at an emergency custody hearing, or a potential client who needs legal assistance immediately, or simply a phone call that took much longer than anticipated. However, keeping on “schedule” isn’t my main concern on a daily basis, it is much loftier than that; perhaps, a bit audacious.

Before I spout out what I really want to accomplish – first, let me say this: I have no problem looking past the client’s burdens. Theft does not faze me; adultery doesn’t even make me blink. Moreover, if the client is the accuser, I don’t critique the position they are in now. Neither the client nor I can change the circumstances that brought us together. I do not judge, I do not minimize, and I choose not to inflame, what is already an unfortunate situation. What I do try to do is understand that the client is in pain and frankly, it doesn’t matter to me which side of the courtroom they will eventually stand.

So, after checking (and re-checking!) my calendar, reviewing my notes and files, and putting my to-call list next to the phone, my schedule of daily duties begin. The first item of business is to ease my client’s suffering.