And Words Can Never Hurt Me.

Everyone knows the childhood rhyme, “Sticks and Stones” which ends with “and words can never hurt me.” I disagree. Whether the words are true or not, words in and of themselves can be quite hurtful. When people come to me with the desire to obtain a divorce, my first piece of advice is to watch their words. Words can be spoken or written and must always be carefully chosen. I am finding that most people don’t think about this. They can produce pages and pages of emails between themselves and their soon to be ex-spouse. They can produce hundreds of text messages exchanged in the heat of a moment. And, lastly, they are certain that there are issues, disagreements and even arguments that need to be re-hashed word for word. All of this works both ways. Just as they are handing me stacks of papers memorializing the bad times of their marriage, the soon to be ex is across town delivering the same messages to their attorney.

Emails and text messages are unique mediums. They are void of emotion and context. Sarcasm is often lost in written form as well as humor. Although, I believe that using these forms of communication can be extremely valuable for its ease of use and instant contact, electronic communication can also be very dangerous. I encourage my clients to use email when communicating with their soon to be exs or even their former spouse, but with a caveat: say what you mean, be concise and to the point. Emails and texts are great when two people can’t seem to get along yet must still communicate about issues outstanding between them, like children.

Many times people express themselves through email when they would never speak those words aloud. It’s as though once the window opens, people feel comfortable spewing words and phrases that are completely out of character. But what is written is preserved. The words never disappear. Unlike their spoken counterpart, words don’t float into memory to become foggy, they are seared onto a hard drive to be remembered just when you need them forgotten.

I tell my clients not write anything that they wouldn’t want their grandmother seeing, because ultimately, in a divorce situation, the world will see, including your grandmother, your children, and the family law judge.

Hurry Up and Wait

Taking my child to work always brings me a new perspective. On one of the rare days I have allowed my son to take a “break” from school and join me for a day, he made a keen observation: lawyers stand around a lot! His follow up question was “did you take a class in law school on how to wait?”

Lawyers do tend to stand around. Clients notice and kids notice. So why do we stand around and wait?
There are a few explanations all of which taken together create a congregation of lawyers. First of all, the dockets or court cases scheduled to be heard are jammed packed. Madison county has a high case load and not enough Judges to get everyone on their way quickly. Thankfully, Madison County will soon be adding another judge to the bench in 2010.

Second, many times it’s the only time lawyers can get together on cases. As a client, you probably have had to wait for appointment times, or returned phone calls. I can’t say all lawyers are busy, but most are. Court dates create a time where all parties and lawyers are present at the same time. This is the best time to try and hammer out a settlement. The lawyers use this time to negotiate and advocate for their client, whether it’s a civil case or criminal one. Getting lawyers and clients together is a lot like herding cats…it’s a difficult task but when it does happen, everyone should take advantage of it.

Third, sometimes cases on the top of the docket take longer than expected. Many times issues before the court when initially filed have changed – either for better or worse – and fleshing out the relevant and material evidence takes a long time. This is a good thing. Everyone deserves their day in court. Every problem a party has is important. In my opinion, a good judge allows time for everyone to be heard. However, being a good judge can cause a back up in the cases, but remember your case will be afforded the same courtesy.
Fourth, many times a lawyer gets caught in another courtroom where cases there ran long. That creates a standstill for the opposing lawyer. Lawyers do their best to notify everyone about a week before of any potential conflicts. We write a letter to the Court Administrator with copies to the Judges and all the lawyers who might be affected. The letter details our schedules for each day that we have court appearances which either overlap or could run late. Judges know where the lawyers are and when they are needed they don’t hesitate to track them down in other courtrooms by making a phone call from the bench. There is some hierarchy to cases. Circuit court trumps the lower District court, usually. If there are emergency issues in the District Court then of course the lawyer will stay and handle that matter first.

Lastly, lawyers like to talk. Many lawyers you see congregating are doing just that. They use the time in the courthouse to meet with other lawyers – either sharing ideas or simply catching up on personal and professional relationships. Many lawyers have more than one case between them. Sometimes they are between cases without time to run back to the office. Lawyers tend to be bad company for non-lawyers as we tend to discuss things that non-lawyers find boring; therefore, when we get an opportunity to talk to another lawyer about recent law changes, or court decisions we pounce – creating the gaggle of attorneys.

Most lawyers like to be in the courtroom practicing law, not waiting. There is host of other things we could be doing…like returning those phone calls as previously mentioned. For every judge there are hundreds of cases, for every case there are at least two lawyers, so after doing the math, the crowds swell. I can say as an experienced “wait-er”, it is difficult on the lawyer but I also know it’s difficult on the client. My advice is to be patient…your time will come, your case will be called and you will have your day in court, it just might not be at the time it was originally scheduled.

Don’t Hit the Snooze Button

It happened today, the “it will never happen to me” situation.   It did happen and it has happened before.

Today, one month after a deadly shooting in a middle school, and three weeks after the deadly University shooting, and days after several area school lockdowns, my son’s school was locked-down.

As I stood in the parking lot across from his school, thoughts of times past began to creep into my mind.  About  14 years ago, I cradled the same child locked in the school in my arms as a man armed with an AK-47 crouched on my patio.  I could see him through the sliding glass doors.  I stupidly thought that it was a guard.  At the time of this incident, I was living in Saudi Arabia.  Terror attacks were becoming commonplace in the Kingdom all aimed at killing westerners.  So, having a guard on your back patio was a good thing.  The bad thing…it wasn’t a guard.  It was a man who eventually stood eye to eye with my husband as he fired off a few rounds from his gun.  I heard my husband yell – Get down, Gaby, get away from the windows! 

I first ran to the phone and again, stupidly thought 9-1-1 would work.  I heard the Arabic word for “sorry” and I realized I was in a third world country.  While running up the stairs to grab my daughter, I slipped and dropped my infant son.  I scooped him up and grabbed my daughter out of her bed.   I threw the both of them into a closet and began to cover them with clothing.  I sat in the darkest of all closets crying.  I felt helpless and hopeless.  I couldn’t protect my children.

Today, the feelings came back.  Once again, I couldn’t protect my child.  Twice in my life, I couldn’t protect my child!  I watched from a far as K-9 units were dispatched.  I listened as school officials told me what they knew, but I heard what they said.  They couldn’t guarantee my child’s protection.

Everyone will eventually get a wake-up call.  That call may come in the form of a personal or professional experience or a legal problem.  When the call comes, you have two choices:  either wake up or hit the snooze.  These moments of fright offer insight into our lives.  Will you protect your child?  Will you protect your job?  Will you protect your reputation?    Or, will you protect your anger?  Greed?  Secrets?

Put your life and your legal problems into perspective.  Pick your battles, choose what needs protecting, and cherish the ability to do so.