Arrogance is the Drunk Uncle of Confidence

 Arrogance is the drunk uncle of confidence.  And, not surprising many of my colleagues, peers, and clients are under the influence.  When I encounter these people, I try to find some redeeming quality about them.  I look for some accomplishment or depth of knowledge that they may possess which allows them a free pass on their arrogance.  If I cannot find something, well then, they are annoying and obnoxious; however, there is a difference between arrogance and confidence.  Most of the times I hear someone call another person arrogant; I realize that behind the comment is jealousy.  These people have self-doubt and instead of working on themselves, they go to work on others.

When I worked in television, arrogance was commonplace.  Most reporters and anchors have dreams of big markets and aspirations of national news, but in order to get there, you have to be good.  I watched as many mediocre reporters with lofty dreams take delight in those who were good, screw up.  What they lacked in skill and confidence was more than made up for with arrogance.  On the outside, they were brashly confident, but filled with self-doubt.  For some that self-doubt equaled suicide.  They couldn’t concentrate on making themselves better because they consumed themselved with thoughts that someone else would be better.  When one of their peers screwed up, there was delight.  Arrogance clouded their reality, as they seemed to believe it would somehow, make them would look better. 

I had the privilege to work with a very young and talented reporter.  He was intelligent, charismatic, friendly, funny, and handsome; however, he was not as “seasoned” as some thought he should be for that particular newsroom’s standards (talk about arrogance) – but, he was good.  His stories always made it to air and his live reports successful.  As a producer, I could constantly count on him to a get story on the newscast.  He was the “cocky” kid at the news station.  On one particularly slow news night, this reporter searched for a story.  Every source, lead, and potential story had fallen through.  His perceived streak of luck and good fortune was ending to the delight of those with green eyes.  The golden boy just might fail…and it was going to be that night.  Then, over the scanner, a call went out about car accident.  Not big news…but it sounded as if it might be news.  The accident involved a horse.  The reporter jumped and with a photographer in two was out the door.  I needed a story with only 45 minutes to air.  If there was anyone who could make this work, it was this reporter.  He was the one reporter that would try to make anything and everything work.  He had the lemons/lemonade attitude. 

Time passed…no word.  Would the one person I believed in make it work?  I bit my nails, and told myself – he will do it, he’ll come through.  About 10 minutes to air, a live feed popped up and there stood this reporter ready with a story.  He was brilliant; his on-camera presence was incredible.  He walked and talked about the accident, he told a story about the horse, he described how the horse and the driver collided.  He took us to the location, and warned of traffic problems, everything that made it newsworthy.  (Honestly, when he left – I had doubt about the newsworthiness of this story!)

This reporter was definitely confident.  Did he verge on cockiness?  Perhaps at times but he earned it.  He performed day in and day out.  His peers were jealous because he appeared to report with ease, but I knew he was passionated about his profession and practiced to perfection.  He wanted good material for the station but insisted on it for himself.  His talent and confidence enabled him to tell a story that producers, news directors, and most importantly, viewers wanted.  I feel quite sure that he does not believe the dead horse story was his crowning glory as a journalist by a long shot.  But, I believe it was.  It was an example of professionalism, he didn’t give up and didn’t give in…he could have easily turned a generic story.  He had other options, but chose to chase the unknown driven by his confidence in himself.  This young man’s talents created the lead story on the evening news.

The reporter’s name is Adam May.  To quote portions his biography at his current news station in Balitmore, MD:

He is one of the leading Baltimore TV reporters on major issues, such as gas prices and the energy crisis, port security and witness intimidation… In 2006, The National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences named Adam “Best Live Reporter” in the Mid-Atlantic Region.  He holds another local Emmy Award for an undercover investigation that exposed the driving habits of teenagers.

In Alabama he was honored for his coverage of the 2000 Presidential election, as he reported live from the George W. Bush election night party in Austin, Texas.

http://wjz.com/bios/adam.may.wjz.9.409779.html

There is nothing wrong with being confident.  There is nothing wrong with believing in yourself, believing in being the best and striving to do your best no matter the circumstance.  If you talk the talk and walk the walk – you are confident.  If you just talk – you are arrogant. 

*This was written with the permission of Adam May.

www.ghelixlaw.com

What Happens Next, Matters Now

The reason you are sitting in my office is because something isn’t right.  Something isn’t working, and you need help.  I know this because no one comes to a law office when life is good.  You came to me because you have a problem and you need a solution.  But I have a problem too, and as my client, you have the solution.

I am finding in my law practice that my legal advice isn’t exactly what my clients want to hear, as many do not believe they are at fault, or that what they are doing is right and everyone else is wrong.  But many times, I can see areas where my client could have prevented the problem, by recognizing the potential for problems long before they came to me.  Not that they actually caused their situation, but perhaps they’ve waited far too long to seek counsel – whether it’s a criminal charge or a custody battle.  I am quite sure if these clients would have stopped and listened, they would have heard this current “problem” begging for recognition, pleading for a response and wanting resolution months ago perhaps even years ago.  Everyone needs to stop and take a good look at any situation which could potentially result in a court battle.

Many of these same clients get too caught up in what has happened; they lose sight of what is happening now and what could happen next.  They are so entrenched in the problem, that solving it seems virtually impossible to them.  These folks attempt to control the past, but it just can’t be done.  Nonetheless, they continue to follow the same path, experiencing the same drama and repeatedly get slapped with the same unwanted results.  It’s not obvious to them that something needs to change:  either their path or their expectation. 

Strangely, there are people who thrive on drama.  These are difficult clients, but yet they come to me for assistance. As a lawyer, my job is to somehow find an effective way to counsel these clients all the while steering them through the legal process to achieve desirable results.  But as lawyer who also cares about my clients, my work doesn’t stop with just the results.  I want my clients to ultimately be able to help themselves in the future.  That means, they may not need me after the end of their case, but for me and for them – that is the most desirable result.

I often tell my clients that their case isn’t mine, it’s theirs:  I am just the tour guide; dispensing options, advice and opinions on how to navigate the legal mine field.  I tell my clients this:
I am here to help, but you must be willing to make changes to your life, your attitude, and to your current path.  I cannot make the difficult decision to accept a settlement offer, or plead guilty or not guilty.  They are life decisions…your life decisions.  I can however, guide you…but you must listen and you must be willing to work with me, as we are partners – in present time, planning for the future.

A successful lawyer-client partnership will quiet the overwhelming noise of confusion, and cut through the chaos by isolating the legal issue.  I go on to tell my clients:  I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself.  Helping yourself means you recognize that the past is passed but your future is present.  If that doesn’t happen, I can almost guarantee, you will be seeking legal advice again relating to the same issue you are experiencing now.  Your active participation is essential to your case, as it grants you ownership in the outcome of your case and your life. 
And, when you, the client, take ownership of the outcome, you achieve clarity and the drama ends.

Have you grown weary of the drama? Then you must choose to shun chaos and seek clarity.  The decision to do so means seeking competent guidance, isolation of issues, and intelligent choices and participation.  Through the examination of your expectations, and making sure they are realistic and achievable, you will get a desired result.  Changing your path doesn’t guarantee a perfect result, as there are no perfect results; however, your new route will bring different scenery, fresh perspective, and most definitely, and most importantly – options. 

If the noise in your life is making it difficult for you to hear, stop, be still and listen.  If you hear that it’s time to take control of your situation then start listening to yourself, and to your lawyer.

www.ghelixlaw.com

Which Group Will You Stand By?

Almost every weekend, I pass by two groups of people proudly and boldly exercising their 1st Amendment rights.  They stand peacefully on the corner of a relatively busy intersection near my home.  One group holds signs that read, “Peace” and “Stop the War,” and the other group’s signs read, “Support Our Troops” and “God Bless America.”
When I approach the intersection, I always take time to pay attention to the other drivers who pass.  Mostly, I hear the honk of car horns and see hands wave.  Sometimes people go the extra mile, with a “thumbs up” or a flip of “the finger” just so there is no mistake as to their group of choice.
Most people want to belong to a group.  They find comfort in sharing an idea or belief with another.  I personally find comfort in both these groups.  First of all, anyone who exercises their 1st Amendment right gets my thumbs up.  Secondly, with regard to these two groups, I believe most people could join either side and share their ideals.  Sure, they stand separately but I believe they are united enough to share the same corner.
The “peace” group wants peace.  Who doesn’t?  For those drivers who flash the middle finger, are you really pro-war?  Do you really support conflict?  This “peace” group simply wants our men and women to come home.  I support that.  Perhaps you don’t have a moral objection to violence, or you simply agree with why our troops are locked in conflict, but surely you don’t want war for the sake of war.  I understand why our country is at war, I understand the politics of this current conflict, but nonetheless, I am whole-heartedly pro-peace.
As for the “troop” group, they want support and respect for the men and women who serve.  Sadly, as the Vietnam war showed us, there are some people who blame our service men and women for our government’s conflicts.  That small group of people is wrong on every level, and their behavior past and present is without excuse.  What those same people choose to ignore, is that our troops protect their right to express their beliefs albeit distasteful and misplaced.  I do not group those people with the “peace” people.  I don’t believe the peace people want any harm to come to our troops, nor do I believe they place blame on our troops for the conflicts currently occurring in our world; therefore, I am proudly pro-troops.
I think the two groups could definitely share the same corner.  It would be difficult for me, if I were forced to choose a side.  I truly want peace, I do not want conflict, I do not want deaths, nor do I want our service men and women hurt or maimed.  But directly across from my beloved beliefs, stands another set of values which I hold dear: my value of human life and those who sacrifice theirs for mine.  I have the utmost respect and appreciation for those who serve either in the military or in public office.  I fully support and respect them and their families for what they give to me as a citizen of this United States.  Their service is invaluable and immeasurable.  Their sacrifice allows me to write the words on this page.
Therefore, I believe I can, at the same time support our troops and desire peace.  I do not believe the two are mutually exclusive.  Those who serve are braver than I could ever hope to be, but there are those who do not serve who deserve my respect and admiration through their civil protests.  Neither of these people actually reflects the policies of our government.  Those policies are bigger than we are.  The biggest impact I can or you can make is to vote.  Furthermore it’s through my vote, I can agree to disagree.  That’s my right, and that’s the right protected by our troops whether in times of peace or war.
If you should travel through this particular intersection or you have one like it in your hometown, take time to honk, wave or throw your thumb or finger up.  But more importantly, take time to realize these two groups, representations of us all, really do intersect and not just when they are on the street corner.

And Words Can Never Hurt Me.

Everyone knows the childhood rhyme, “Sticks and Stones” which ends with “and words can never hurt me.” I disagree. Whether the words are true or not, words in and of themselves can be quite hurtful. When people come to me with the desire to obtain a divorce, my first piece of advice is to watch their words. Words can be spoken or written and must always be carefully chosen. I am finding that most people don’t think about this. They can produce pages and pages of emails between themselves and their soon to be ex-spouse. They can produce hundreds of text messages exchanged in the heat of a moment. And, lastly, they are certain that there are issues, disagreements and even arguments that need to be re-hashed word for word. All of this works both ways. Just as they are handing me stacks of papers memorializing the bad times of their marriage, the soon to be ex is across town delivering the same messages to their attorney.

Emails and text messages are unique mediums. They are void of emotion and context. Sarcasm is often lost in written form as well as humor. Although, I believe that using these forms of communication can be extremely valuable for its ease of use and instant contact, electronic communication can also be very dangerous. I encourage my clients to use email when communicating with their soon to be exs or even their former spouse, but with a caveat: say what you mean, be concise and to the point. Emails and texts are great when two people can’t seem to get along yet must still communicate about issues outstanding between them, like children.

Many times people express themselves through email when they would never speak those words aloud. It’s as though once the window opens, people feel comfortable spewing words and phrases that are completely out of character. But what is written is preserved. The words never disappear. Unlike their spoken counterpart, words don’t float into memory to become foggy, they are seared onto a hard drive to be remembered just when you need them forgotten.

I tell my clients not write anything that they wouldn’t want their grandmother seeing, because ultimately, in a divorce situation, the world will see, including your grandmother, your children, and the family law judge.

Hurry Up and Wait

Taking my child to work always brings me a new perspective. On one of the rare days I have allowed my son to take a “break” from school and join me for a day, he made a keen observation: lawyers stand around a lot! His follow up question was “did you take a class in law school on how to wait?”

Lawyers do tend to stand around. Clients notice and kids notice. So why do we stand around and wait?
There are a few explanations all of which taken together create a congregation of lawyers. First of all, the dockets or court cases scheduled to be heard are jammed packed. Madison county has a high case load and not enough Judges to get everyone on their way quickly. Thankfully, Madison County will soon be adding another judge to the bench in 2010.

Second, many times it’s the only time lawyers can get together on cases. As a client, you probably have had to wait for appointment times, or returned phone calls. I can’t say all lawyers are busy, but most are. Court dates create a time where all parties and lawyers are present at the same time. This is the best time to try and hammer out a settlement. The lawyers use this time to negotiate and advocate for their client, whether it’s a civil case or criminal one. Getting lawyers and clients together is a lot like herding cats…it’s a difficult task but when it does happen, everyone should take advantage of it.

Third, sometimes cases on the top of the docket take longer than expected. Many times issues before the court when initially filed have changed – either for better or worse – and fleshing out the relevant and material evidence takes a long time. This is a good thing. Everyone deserves their day in court. Every problem a party has is important. In my opinion, a good judge allows time for everyone to be heard. However, being a good judge can cause a back up in the cases, but remember your case will be afforded the same courtesy.
Fourth, many times a lawyer gets caught in another courtroom where cases there ran long. That creates a standstill for the opposing lawyer. Lawyers do their best to notify everyone about a week before of any potential conflicts. We write a letter to the Court Administrator with copies to the Judges and all the lawyers who might be affected. The letter details our schedules for each day that we have court appearances which either overlap or could run late. Judges know where the lawyers are and when they are needed they don’t hesitate to track them down in other courtrooms by making a phone call from the bench. There is some hierarchy to cases. Circuit court trumps the lower District court, usually. If there are emergency issues in the District Court then of course the lawyer will stay and handle that matter first.

Lastly, lawyers like to talk. Many lawyers you see congregating are doing just that. They use the time in the courthouse to meet with other lawyers – either sharing ideas or simply catching up on personal and professional relationships. Many lawyers have more than one case between them. Sometimes they are between cases without time to run back to the office. Lawyers tend to be bad company for non-lawyers as we tend to discuss things that non-lawyers find boring; therefore, when we get an opportunity to talk to another lawyer about recent law changes, or court decisions we pounce – creating the gaggle of attorneys.

Most lawyers like to be in the courtroom practicing law, not waiting. There is host of other things we could be doing…like returning those phone calls as previously mentioned. For every judge there are hundreds of cases, for every case there are at least two lawyers, so after doing the math, the crowds swell. I can say as an experienced “wait-er”, it is difficult on the lawyer but I also know it’s difficult on the client. My advice is to be patient…your time will come, your case will be called and you will have your day in court, it just might not be at the time it was originally scheduled.

Don’t Hit the Snooze Button

It happened today, the “it will never happen to me” situation.   It did happen and it has happened before.

Today, one month after a deadly shooting in a middle school, and three weeks after the deadly University shooting, and days after several area school lockdowns, my son’s school was locked-down.

As I stood in the parking lot across from his school, thoughts of times past began to creep into my mind.  About  14 years ago, I cradled the same child locked in the school in my arms as a man armed with an AK-47 crouched on my patio.  I could see him through the sliding glass doors.  I stupidly thought that it was a guard.  At the time of this incident, I was living in Saudi Arabia.  Terror attacks were becoming commonplace in the Kingdom all aimed at killing westerners.  So, having a guard on your back patio was a good thing.  The bad thing…it wasn’t a guard.  It was a man who eventually stood eye to eye with my husband as he fired off a few rounds from his gun.  I heard my husband yell – Get down, Gaby, get away from the windows! 

I first ran to the phone and again, stupidly thought 9-1-1 would work.  I heard the Arabic word for “sorry” and I realized I was in a third world country.  While running up the stairs to grab my daughter, I slipped and dropped my infant son.  I scooped him up and grabbed my daughter out of her bed.   I threw the both of them into a closet and began to cover them with clothing.  I sat in the darkest of all closets crying.  I felt helpless and hopeless.  I couldn’t protect my children.

Today, the feelings came back.  Once again, I couldn’t protect my child.  Twice in my life, I couldn’t protect my child!  I watched from a far as K-9 units were dispatched.  I listened as school officials told me what they knew, but I heard what they said.  They couldn’t guarantee my child’s protection.

Everyone will eventually get a wake-up call.  That call may come in the form of a personal or professional experience or a legal problem.  When the call comes, you have two choices:  either wake up or hit the snooze.  These moments of fright offer insight into our lives.  Will you protect your child?  Will you protect your job?  Will you protect your reputation?    Or, will you protect your anger?  Greed?  Secrets?

Put your life and your legal problems into perspective.  Pick your battles, choose what needs protecting, and cherish the ability to do so.

The Intimidation Factor

There have been several clients who have sat in the chair across from me sweating bullets. At first, I figured they were nervous about the issue we were discussing. But after I believed that I had sufficiently calmed them down, the drops continued to roll. This has happened enough times that I finally asked a client if perhaps they were ill. The response was surprising; they were nervous to meet with a lawyer. I wanted to laugh but instead assured them that I wasn’t someone to be nervous around. If you are nervous to meet with a lawyer listen up.

I’m going to speak for most lawyers … not all…as I have run across some special breeds. But in my case, this is the way it is.

I’m just like you. I have to go to work at least 5 days a week, if not 6 and sometimes 7. I work at least 8 hours a day, most of the time 10. I too have bills to pay, deadlines to meet, and people I piss off and others that I must make happy. I have faults and shortcomings too. My hair is turning gray, my health isn’t what it should be, and I wish I were 20 years younger and could “re-do” parts of my life too.

I get up every day only to face a messy house, messy children and messy days ahead. I worry about exactly the same things you do. Are my children safe? Should I sign that mortgage contract? Did I just pass a police car?

I understand daily life…I get it.

Now, I’m not going to say that I understand what it’s like to be arrested or convicted of a crime because I can’t (otherwise I couldn’t be a lawyer) but I understand what it means to be a person. I am no better and no worse than the person who sits across from me. Clients come to me for help. I do not pass judgment, I leave that up to the Court. I have seen and heard a lot. There isn’t going to be a whole lot that will surprise me.

I suppose having grown up with a father who is an attorney, I never thought to be intimidated by his profession. Of course, he was intimidating because he was my father, but underneath his suit and tie, he was “Dad”.
Being nervous is one thing, but being nervous because you are sitting with an attorney is ridiculous. I consider us a team. We need each other. It’s not a one-sided relationship with an uneven balance of power. We both deserve respect not for what we do but for who we are…people.

So the next time you walk into a law office, just remember that the attorney you are scheduled to meet is just like you doing their job to the best of their ability.