Have You Made A Positive Impact?

Recently, I underwent unavoidable and unexpected back surgery.  In less than 12 hours, I went from sitting in my office to sitting in the emergency room.  I was admitted in the evening, and by the next morning, my whole world was upside down.

I called my wonderful assistant and she created a plan to take care of my clients.  All went well, thanks to some very generous and caring friends.  A judicial assistant took her time to alert specific court offices.  One lawyer friend came to my office for the day and assisted clients.  On many other days, that same friend attended my scheduled court appearances.  A couple of other friends didn’t hesitate to assist with covering cases.  One lawyer saw my name on a docket, called my assistant and covered that case for me.   A Judge allowed me to attend a status hearing via conference call.  During my recovery, I’ve had good and bad days.  On a bad day, a simple Facebook message was all it took, for yet another friend to willingly handle a court hearing.

I was humbled and frankly surprised at how generous these folks were.  Not that I didn’t think I had good friends, but I was and continue to be genuinely amazed at how willing so many were to interrupt their schedules for me.

I relayed this story to someone today and her response made me stop and think.  She said you must have made an impact in these people’s lives for them to be so generous.  And, here I just thought I had really nice people in my life and, I do – and they are.  Yet, I believe something more was in play.  These folks could have taken a more passive approach to helping me.  They could have said, “I can’t make that court appearance, but I’ll be in the courthouse tomorrow – what can I do then?”  No, these folks went out of their way, interrupted their schedules, and helped.

A while back, I represented a client who met with me a couple of times in my office on a minor criminal charge.  He would always bring his girlfriend and their child.  Their little boy was 2 years old and he was the most well-behaved toddler I have ever met.  Living paycheck to paycheck, this couple struggles every day to survive.  Yet, they never once complained about their circumstances to me.  He worked construction when jobs were available, and she worked the only job she could find which was only part-time.  She had dreams of going back to school.  They were the nicest couple, and their young family was perfect.  I teased them a couple of times about getting married.  I encouraged the both of them to stay clean and out of trouble – as I do with every client!  My client ultimately accepted responsibility for his charge.  After I finished representation of him, he and his girlfriend called to thank me for my help.  A year later, the girlfriend called my office needing assistance in a family court matter.  I agreed to see them and waive my consultation fee.  When they arrived, they brought clean drug screens, a new baby, reports of a better job, and the girlfriend was attending night classes.  I was inspired by their resourcefulness, and honored that they actually brought me reports of clean drug screens! (not that these client’s had a drug problem – like I mentioned before, I tell all my clients to stay clean.)  Silly, I know but really, who brings drug screens to their appointments?  These folks made a huge impact on me.  They remembered every word I said to them, and actually heard what I wanted for them.  I wanted to help them, again.  I wanted them to be rewarded in some way for all their progress.  Not, that I am such a prize, but I knew that I could get a good outcome on the family court matter, and I wanted that to be the prize.

Ultimately, we were successful in court.  My clients were grateful for the assistance and thanked me profusely.  I thanked them as well.  I realized by their puzzled faces that I needed to tell them why I was thanking them.  I simply said, “for allowing me to help you.”

All this to say, I don’t know whether I have actually made an “impact” on the lives of my friends.  But, I do know what it’s like to have to someone make an impact on my life.  My friends make an impact on my life every day by unselfishly giving their time to me.  And, that couple, well, they made an impact on me by being so gracious in the face of poverty.  For showing me that happiness doesn’t equate to a paycheck; that well-mannered children don’t have to go to the best daycare; and, that loving couples don’t need to be married.

Impacting another’s life for good isn’t something I think people set out to do; however, I do think it’s purposeful.  I believe you can practice it for yourself, teach it to your children, and set an example for others.  I intend to practice impacting lives for good.  I intend to be there when my friends need me – no matter my schedule, and I intend to continue to learn from my clients.  And, the next time I gripe about my circumstances, I intend to be grateful because that’s how you make an impact.

Settlement Agreements: Addressing “What If”

Generally, every client has a unique set of facts and circumstances.  Although ultimate goals and expectations can be somewhat similar, because each person is different, my advice is never the same…until recently.  Over the course of the past two weeks, I have addressed the same issue twice:  a vague divorce settlement agreement. 

When people divorce they can go one of two routes:  Contested or Uncontested.  Contested, means that the parties can’t agree and they need a  Judge to determine the rights and responsibilities of the parties.  When a couple, despite their inherent conflicts, can agree on the division of property, both real and personal, other assets and liabilities, and if applicable, they even agree on the custody of their children then the uncontested path is chosen.  This is of course is a preferable way to settle the divorce, because each party has a say and legal fees are kept to minimum.  A “Settlement Agreement” is crafted and signed by each party.  That agreement is then incorporated into the ultimate decree issued by the Court.

However, if the agreement is vague or incomplete; problems arise and this could force the parties back to court.  That is what has happened to two of my most recent clients.  In both cases, the original agreement looked perfect, covering what seemed like everything…property division, waivers of certain claims, and custody and support of their children.  The problem?  Both agreements failed to set forth provisions which I call the – “what if” provisions.

For example, if the parties are dividing their home and one party is to refinance or sell the home, what if the refinance doesn’t occur or the home doesn’t sell?  Specific provisions must set forth a remedy in the event one party is completely incapable of adhering to the terms and conditions of the agreement.  I call it avoiding the “do-loop”. A do-loop is a term used in a computer program called Basic.  A programmer uses a do-loop when he wants something to happen, an infinite amount of times.  Thus if there is a do-loop embedded in an agreement, there is no end or cut off.  For example, if your ex is to refinance the home, and she can’t, there needs to be a provision to propel the parties forward into another option, like selling the home or placing it in a public auction.  Without this provision, the parties are stuck in a do-loop without an exit plan.

Both clients stated to me, that they asked their previous lawyer what would happen if their soon-to-be former spouse was unable to refinance or sell.  Each lawyer gave them an answer which seemed to satisfy the client.  But now they are with me, asking the same questions.  And, because the agreement didn’t specifically address that “what if”, we are heading back to Court.

Long story short, if you have requested your lawyer draw up or review a Settlement Agreement and before you sign – you ask what happens if…then it’s vague and needs revision.  Despite counsel’s attempts to create a thorough and clear agreement, some of the provisions didn’t go far enough.  Certainly, lawyers do their best to account for all situations, as it’s just not possible see into the future and predict every single circumstance that could go wrong.  But, if the client must ask “what if” then I believe lawyers need to address that particular situation in the agreement.

Agreements must be clear and in no way, ambiguous or vague.  Sadly, each client told me that what they thought should happen, but, in reality, what will happen is up to a Court; unless, both sides can agree…again.

Do You Need a Court Order with that Birth Certificate?

Every day with every client I encounter a new story, a new set of facts, and a new set of problems.  But there are those days, where frustration sets in and I try very hard to restrain myself from saying, “What the hell were you thinking?!”  To keep this post totally honest, I don’t succeed in the restraint part, and I’ve blurted it out – “What the hell were you thinking?!”

Custody matters are always difficult.  I am a mother and a certified guardian ad litem for the courts and there are times when I worry about the children who are in the middle of their parents’ nasty divorce action.  The parent/client doesn’t hesitate to bash their soon to be ex-spouse in front of me and their children.  It’s generally more common when the children are in their teens, but I’m sure even the little ones hear it too.  It saddens me and I end up chastising my clients for their thoughtless comments.  I explain to them that not only do the comments serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever, but they are painful for their children to hear.

In Madison County, there is a standing order attached to all divorce cases when children are involved.  The order, which is referred to as the “Standard Parenting Clauses” addresses the behavior of the parents, and specifically prohibits maligning the other parent in front of the child(ren).  It’s amazing to me that there has to be an order in place that actually has to address this issue.  It would probably be more beneficial if that order were issued along with the birth certificate, because I would imagine the problem starts long before the divorce is filed.

I know my clients don’t care for their spouse, hence the divorce; but apparently, the spouse was at one time, good enough to marry, sleep with, and produce at least one child with.  So, for the sake of your children, don’t perpetuate the hate, the nastiness, and the bitterness. 

If you can’t keep your mouth shut around your children, perhaps you are not the best custodian for them.  Perhaps, you should rethink your own parenting skills, before asking the Court grant you the privilege of being their sole primary custodian.  I do understand that couples break up for horrific reasons, and I do understand that the spouse can be a sleazy so-and-so, but that is not the fault of your child.  And, in the end, the child is the most important asset to be divided in the divorce.  If you want to further that “divide” continue with the comments while being their primary custodian; however, be prepared because your child will see you as the primary problem.

I found the following Top Ten things you should never say about the other parent in front of your child, and believe it or not – I’ve heard 9 of the 10.  But there’s always tomorrow – new day, new client and new set facts and problems.

All good advice, courtesy of Divorcemagazine.com:

10. I wish your mother (father) would drop dead.
9. I never loved your father (mother) anyway.
8. One of these days, so help me, I’m going to kill her (him).
7. I’m sorry I did such a horrible job picking your father (mother).
6. So where’d he (she) get the bimbo (bozo)?
5. Thank God you don’t look like her (him).
4. He (she) was really bad in bed.
3. Oh, he (she) never loved you kids anyway.
2. She (he) is fat and ugly and really stupid.
1. He (she) does not pay me nearly enough child support.